Peace Work

Dear all,

I’ve been wanting to send a newsletter for quite a while now.

First of all, thank you for being here.

Second of all, thank you for seeing me.

And third of all, thank you for hearing me.

I lend these words (partially) from the song Thank you for Hearing Me by Sinéad O'Connor. You can listen to it on ​Spotify​, ​Apple​, or YouTube (it's beautiful!):

In the past year and a half or so, since I last sent you an email here, I find myself a lot going about my day with such prayer-songs in my heart, no matter what activity it may be. Cleaning the barn, washing dishes, doing bodywork and healing with people and horses, mindfulness walks, and more and more and more. It varies from songs such as this one to Sanskrit Chants that I have started to collect over 10 years ago while studying Yoga, Meditation and Pranayama in India, to prayers in different languages and from different traditions. It is beautiful and cleansing for my heart-body-mind and of course my soul, that seems like its journey has just begun.

Peace perfect peace. Three months before the war between Israel and Palestine begun (in October 2023), I was visiting in Israel. I’ve been listening to the song Peace Perfect Peace by Toots & The Maytals repeatedly in my car and every time I would cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. As I was going about my day I would start hearing people, souls, saying goodbye to their families, their beloved ones with incredibly deep pain as if they are being torn apart from one another. What the heck is going on, I’ve been thinking to myself, why do I hear all of this and why do I feel all of their deep sorrow in my body? And who are they even? Is my head making it up? Is there some war going on somewhere that I wasn’t aware of? I cannot comprehend it but this is going in the background for some days.

I came back to visit in Israel again at the beginning of October. On October 7th, sometime around 8am on Saturday, my mom walks into my room and wakes me up, “there is war.” I wish I could explain to you how come I have heard what I have heard in July but I myself am still looking for the answer and, believe me, my mind is really no longer living within the equation of finding answers to things but something still wants to be figured out with this event.

And also, I knew that this newsletter would not be complete without talking about war— and peace. Those of you here who chose to continue with my newsletter know that I have been mentioning peace many times and my desire to find more and more ways that I can contribute to peace. Since then, I tried in so many ways and in every space and room my foot stepped in. And every time I tried to do something about peace, life invited me to heal something within myself (which includes my relationship to the whole and all living beings— be it my spouse, family, friendships, animals, insects and plants). I could not have taken any turn towards peace without another part of myself coming up to be healed and worked with. It was excruciating at times, and any further step I have taken, just increased the things I am asked to deal and heal within myself. From the relationship with myself and in my life, to family dynamics, money, sexuality, body, childhood and intergenerational trauma. I felt like I have had to face everything I have ever done or having done to me and everything I ever was and all the ways I have been escaping from many things and from speaking up, standing up for myself. There was a traumatized boy in me that knew so much about how to deal with and heal violence between people but he was always afraid of bringing it forth, bringing himself forth. I was always afraid of bringing myself forth. And as if, when the moment to really speak what I know for such situations would come up, that part of myself would become mute and wouldn't be able to speak up. That part of myself was buried under so many fears, judgements, pain, trauma, it was not able to poke its head out even when I tried, and I tried for many years now. This was everything but being some inspiring peace activist as it seems out there sometimes. Peace work sounds like a job for a nice guy because peace and being nice sounds like a good tango, right? At least I thought so. But it is actually very confronting work and it is impossible to do while I was looking to be nice and liked. It is very confronting work with oneself and others that feels more like burning on the inside than a being a serene monk.

When I left Israel about a week after the war started, and seeing a lot of the media conversation about it, I wrote to myself that I rather be a man of peace than a man of liking. It was really really really hard to give up that part of myself that rather chose to keep quiet and be liked than confronting the space for what is breaking us apart. After all, none of us think we are violent— it’s only the other side, only those people on tv, isn't it?

During this period I have found endless ways I have been violent in my life— from the way I listen, to judging, to talking about people that are not there, to divisive language to even violent behavior here and there and I am not talking about some extreme scenarios, I am talking about my daily life. I have been violent in daily life. And this is after some years already of working with myself about these topics, practicing mindfulness, healing, interbeing, compassion and also teaching and guiding others on this journey. But never before this war I thought about it in the context of violence. I thought about it in the context of judgement, discrimination, divisiveness, relationships etc, which of course all contribute to violence, but never from the direct violence perspective and my own violences. Never from a place of acknowledging— I am violent. Wow, this is quite the sentence to say and write down— I am violent— even after hundreds of hours I’ve been working with this energy over the past two years. It’s turning my stomach upside down just putting it here. When I arrived to my new home in Germany in that October and started to think to myself “so what do I do about peace?! Now it’s getting serious, no more lofty words, what do I do with it!” The answer was clear— well, start looking into all the ways you are being violent yourself and start to change and heal them. This was excruciating yet again. I was ready to do something big, to do something important, my whole life I have been trying to dedicate to it and you tell me to sit at home and look into all of my violences?! I’ve been teaching about peace and oneness for three years now and you tell me to look at how I’m being violent while there is a massive war going on? But that was the only answer I have found and have yet found a way to do something for or about peace that isn't requiring my own healing. And so, in the past two years I have been looking into all the ways I am being violent— in the way I breathe, the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I listen, the way I behave, the way I see, the way I hear, the way I relate— I’ve been looking into all the many ways I have been violent and worked to transform them one by one. I have never felt so disgusted with myself, so bad and ashamed of myself, in my entire life and it broke every piece of armor (well, most of them I hope) I have built within and around myself. During this time I also spent many many hours with horses and what they teach me about peace is endless, they are my partners in this journey, and I hope to share more of their teachings here over time. But one very earthly thing that the barn and horses are teaching me every day about peace is that cleaning muck isn't pretty but if you do not do it regularly, it piles up. Peace work is muck work. It is not a noble pursuit, it is the dirty work of cleaning the soil; the waste within ourselves. When we are full of muck, we have no capacity and with no capacity it is a time ticking bomb until something pushes us over the edge of our response. Peace work is the daily work of cleaning the muck from our heart, mind, body, language, thinking, relating, and behaving. Peace Work doesn't feel good but it heals, it cleans the world of violence and this is one dirty job that, at least for now, does not come with the privilege of feeling good within myself but perhaps feeling like shit is the sign that I am doing the work; the muck work of peace.

Peace Perfect Peace by Toots & The Maytals

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Thank you for being here,
Gilad